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Sun 01.09.05

11 days until "Inauguration Day". I'd like to start off with saying that this country truly makes me sick. I'm about as statistically "American" as they come. White, middle class, made up of about 7 different nationalities from around the world, typical melting pot kind of girl, etc, etc. But inside, it is as though I am feeling what a transvestite might feel. As they feel they are a woman in a man's body, so to speak, I feel as though I am an American born citizen with a soul and a mind of - someone else. I feel sort of a loss of identity in a way. I have always identified myself, on travels, in speaking with people outside the US, as an American. And now I feel extremely detached from America. I don't feel I can identify with so many typically American things. I feel so unpatriotic. It isn't that I want to be against my country. In fact, I would give anything to feel patriotic about where it is I live, but I dont agree in so many aspects with so many things going on around me, that I find it hard to feel akin with my neighbors, co-workers, my "fellow Americans".

I find myself in many a discussion with people I have met from different countries who have migrated here for the opportunities America provides, educationally and professionally speaking. They express so many things about living in American that I whole-heartedly agree with. Should I really be a Black, Hindu, Asian.. American? Granted there are PLENTY of us Whites out there who are liberal enough to think for ourselves and make practical un-brainwashed decisions, and who are not Narrow Minded Americans. But even as I continue living in my considerably liberal American town, I run into so much Narrow Mindedness, it makes me want to puke, run away, start my own freakin' country off in Some Far Away (from all this nonsense) Land.

The awareness of what the election results really mean for us, has truly altered my thinking in so many daily-living ways. I am hypersensitive. I hear a prejudiced remark, I think "Republican". I hear a church goer preaching, I think "Republican". I hear disregard for animal rights, I think "Republican". It isn't merely the notion that this person and myself disagree about one particular matter anymore. It has become an almost instantaneous judgement call about who they are. You aren't a fan of animals, you must be republican! Sad thing is I think more often than not, I'm right. I wish I wasn't.

Then there's an even further almost unconscious decision. You are not my friend. I may talk to you, work with you, live near you, even eat with you. But you are not among the circle of people I choose to surround myself with. You are a conservative narrow minded dumbass.

I feel more and more removed from people. And when I meet a kindred soul who feels as lost in America as I do, I feel an instant special connection. This political war has put me on the defensive and has turned me to cling to isolation to feel more comfortable under the American blue, white picket fence, sky.

Thu 12.02.04

A friend of mine, who happens to be republican, I'm finding increasingly hard to get along with. It's interesting. I'm not really feeling compelled to get to know or befriend anyone who is republican right now. This wasn't something I ever thought about before, whether or not I'd be friends with someone based on their political standing. But now? I hold such a disgusted opinion of people who believe in these things that I can't imagine myself being close to someone who has such different values in life.

Nevertheless, a girl I work with, who I met last year at this time, became a close friend over the past year. She likes to do so many things I like to do. I felt like she was so - like me. We both value compassion and sincerity in people. We both love animals, cats in fact are both our favorites. We help people for a living. We both love to spend money on fun stuff like a nice dinner, and little surprise presents for each other every once in awhile. We both really care what happens in the world.

But. --- She, as I have found out, holds very conservative, -- and very religious beliefs. I - do not. I am in fact not active in any sort of religion. Though I consider myself pretty spiritual. I guess I have always found in myself some kind of sense of fate: whatever happens, happens. And it must have happened for some reason. I have a sense of other things out there that are not tangible, not touchable. I don't know what or who they are but I feel that there must be something more than us out there. She believes in the Catholic religion: going to church, not having sex before marriage, the whole deal. I have always considered her a practical, reasonable person, but when she told me, in the midst of a political conversation that I was mistakenly in the middle of with her, that the bible says that birth control and pregnancy prevention is wrong, I lost a lot of faith in her. I still don't believe I even heard that. OK. Now. Lets just first state the obvious: The authors of the bible never even heard of birth control. That's one thing that is pretty much- un-arguable. Secondly, where did she get that whole idea? And why does she think it even makes sense? I'm confused.

I'm really really confused. Where did she come from? I am beginning to see more of the big picture here. She gets a lot of her opinions from her parents. I hear all about her parents anyway, all the time. And I know she greatly respects her mother's opinion. Her mother is deeply conservative and deeply Catholic. I'm not so sure my friend even knows who she is inside and what she really believes. I think her mother has a lot to do with how she talks. Baby killer this, murderer that. Welfare is bullshit, poor people in the hood don't deserve any help whatsoever.

It really seems like she feels somewhat more self assured if she asserts some sort of profound opinion to people. I have realized that it is more important to her to state her opinion that to preserve a friendship. I think that as a whole, she is a wonderful person, who cares deeply, and loves deeply. But she is aggressive, outspoken, doesn't yet know who she is and is in the middle of figuring it out.

Meanwhile- November 2nd came and went. Bush got elected, and the state of our country was on the brain. We started talking. I have felt pretty discouraged and upset about the direction our country is headed. She thinks Bush is God. Suddenly, the drinks at TGIFridays after our class and talking about the men in our lives didn't even seem real. I am absolutely ashamed to say that my friendship with her was ruined by politics. Isn't that a rule somewhere? You don't talk about politics or religion? Not such a bad idea among friends.

Tue 11.23.04

Today is the 23rd of November, 2004. 21 days after the election of George Bush's second term. And all of a sudden, I feel compelled to write. There's too much going on to just watch it all go by. George Bush, whether we like it or not, is about to rule over the country, be on our TV screens, and create more completely unnecessary havoc, for another four years.

As my sister put it: "The American people have voted. And the American people are idiots." Yea. Pretty much.

The day after the election I don't think I really knew how I should feel. I remember looking up from the morning meeting at work (because I couldn't pay attention) and glancing at a friend across the table and seeing her shake her head. She and I looked at each other while everyone had their heads down concentrating on the sheets of paper in front of them. I remember feeling like we didn't need to say any words, we just both thought, felt, and knew the same things. Maybe, at least on my end of it, I didn't know what kind of name to put to those feelings, or what I was supposed to do with them that day, but I knew she had the same things going through her head. And that was my first sign of some kind of comfort since we had lost the election the night before.

I remember being at work and feeling silently resentful of people who have been my friends, because I either knew or suspected they voted Republican. I went around silently guessing who everyone voted for. And put them in categories: Reasonable and unreasonable. Sane and ridiculous. Caring and well, selfish. I still functioned, did my job, was there for what I was supposed to be doing that day. But I don't think for even a second, that my mind left the subject of politics. Or religion. I didn't like that I was judging everyone around me. It was so uncomfortable to feel such an extreme emotion while at work, while I was supposed to be functioning, and helping, and collaborating. I felt a connection, almost a loyalty, to the few people I worked with that day that I knew had the same political views as myself, and who were just as devastated as I was. They did their jobs, too, that day, but their feelings were clearly daunted, though appropriately put aside for the time and place, as was my goal for those eight hours.

There was such a divide that day. In the meeting, I subtly glanced around the room and checked out everyone's demeanor. It was a very silent, respectful, toned down joyous day for those who support Bush. And a very trying, long, and unavoidably sad day for the rest of us. I remember summing up the co-worker population on the job that day, and thinking that it was pretty much a 50/50 split. I thought of it as having enemies and allies. My co-workers. They were either enemies or allies that day. And I treated each the same on the outside, with complete respect and compassion, but oh boy, if they could've seen past that, I'd hate to think of it.

I hate the divide. But I also don't try to stop the divide. I don't like not liking my neighbors for their opinions, but I won't back down if asked, either.

That night I felt silly when I cried over the country's decision to put him in power again. My friend did not die. I did not lose my job. I have a wonderful house to live in. But I cried. I felt like I had really lost something precious. Really, the best way I have heard it described was by a newspaper columnist who spoke of those who joked that they were going to move to another country based on the election results. He said that it was a sign that they didn't recognize their own country. I don't. I don't recognize my own country. I also heard it described, in another article, that the country was really two nations, one with a leader, one without. Yes. And I'm not sure whether or not George Bush even cares to consider that for a second. Consider it- not on TV, in a speech, among his colleagues, at his Oval Office desk, in the midst of a debate, or shaking hands with the public. But in the solitude of himself, and his own human thoughts, while alone and humbled, I wonder if he considers it and cares for the public's own sake, whether or not that matters, that about half of the country he is in charge of- does not respect or trust him.